Top Five Creepiest Mario, Zelda, and Kirby Bosses
Recently I’ve been thinking about all the games out there
flooded with the most horrific monster and bosses imaginable. So many games try
to up the creep factor, (just look at the Dark Souls games), but most just
ended up being gross or ugly, not truly disturbing. This made me then think
about the master of horror: Nintendo.
Despite having a “Family friendly” appearance, Nintendo
games try their absolute best to create nightmares that no one should ever even think about, so naturally I want to discuss them. Here's my list of the top five creepiest bosses from three Nintendo's most renowned franchises: Mario, Zelda, and
Kirby. (Bosses are not ranked in any particular order.)
Let’s start with Mario, because that is the natural order of
things.
#1 Belome
That creepy, creepy dog-like creature from Legend of the
Seven Stars. It is borderline mindless, and wants to eat anything and
everything. Make a puppet version of it and that beast could easily fit into
the cast of creatures from the Never Ending Story, the greatest horror film ever
made. Don’t try to tell me otherwise, those puppets would give the Five Nights
at Freddy’s cast nightmares, and Belome would be their king.
#2 Mimi
She’s cute, sweet, and would probably slit your throat for a
Klondike Bar. The completely psychopathic shapeshifter can mimic anyone
perfectly, and if that doesn’t help her achieve her homicidal goals, she can
always SNAP HER OWN NECK and turn into a half-dead-looking spider creature that
shoots rupees out of her butt.
What’s horrifying about this boss is that you don’t know
what it is, or where it came from. All you do know is that it’s massive, mean,
and just wants to kill everyone on a peaceful resort beach. And the sounds the
smaller pieces of it make when you begin to split it apart are like listening
to a demonic baby as it is being possessed by an even worse demonic baby.
Everybody’s favorite gigantic, man-eating monstrosity. He’s
appeared lots of games, including Smash Bros. and the endless amount of Mario
sports games, but everyone needs to remember him as he was from his first
appearance in Super Mario Sunshine. Eerie, disgusting, and attacked primarily
by vomiting on you. But what may make him truly awful is the way you must
defeat him. It’s your job to fill his gullet until he was ready to burst, and
then actually burst him. Like sticking an air hose in an animal carcass to make
it easier to skin, except in this case Mario just crushes his entrails. A truly
horrific boss makes you take part in the horror. Think about it.
What even is this thing? When you first play Superstar Saga
and reach the boss area of Joke’s End, you don’t know what to expect. You’ve
been tailing some buddy of a cousin of a descendant of a spirit that once
guarded the place, and you don’t even know why. Then she invites you drink some
tea or something, then the next thing you know you’re fighting for your life
with her and her gigantic, delusional, overpowered and horrifying snow-monster
friend, who also keeps trying to sexually assault the Mario Bros. It all comes
out of nowhere, and when it’s all over and the freak is dead, all you can do is
pause and wonder what even just took place, and why do you feel so violated.
Now, for the Zelda Bosses. Some of you already know what to
expect.
The gigantic, deadly and horrifying-to-look-at boss of
Ocarina of Time’s Shadow Temple. This demon/ghost has no true discernable past,
but appears to have possibly been a person at one point. A person who was
apparently executed by means of beheading. Origins aside though, this beast now
only seems to exist to destroy people’s lives, while also playing music and
enjoying itself as he does.
I’ve always been slightly creeped out by fish, so when you
make me fight a gigantic masked fish that wants to eat me, I get somewhat
perturbed. This boss carries the demeanor or fish, almost mindless, entirely
focused on following its voracious instincts, but coupled with being twice the size
of a great white shark and the ability to spawn an infinite amount of
offspring. It’s like the Zelda developers watch Jaws and said, “You know what? We can top this.”
Yeah, Majora’s Mask is just a big den of creepy. This
mid-boss from the Stone Tower Temple must stem from an insane belief that there
should be a fusion of the grim reaper and Dracula. Seriously, that’s the most
straightforward and best description of this boss. Though this creature is much
more horrific than what you’d expect such a blending to be. Those stupid bats,
the massive scythe, and the sadistic look on his face all make you wonder why
Nintendo wants to scar so many people.
NOT TAKE MIRROR!
Yeah, she’s on the list entirely for that five seconds of
gameplay. Don’t even try to tell me that didn’t make you check to see if your
pants were still dry after seeing that for the first time. And this all
happened because she was possessed by the power of the mirror. She was the
Gollum of Twilight Princess.
If you didn’t expect to see this one on my list, go slap
your parents for not slapping the common sense into you as a child. This is the
most horrifying thing in the entirety of the Zelda franchise, and possibly the
most horrifying thing in general. Those long creepy arms that pin you down when
you get close, the walls of its lair being made of skulls and bones, the
beast’s probably purposefully slow stride, and its endless attempts to BITE
LINK’S FACE OFF make this creature the king of all nightmare fuel.
Now it’s time for the Kirby bosses. E for Everyone is such a
joke.
First off, he’s some kind of jester clown, so he’s already unerving.
Then, he turns out to not just be a jester, but a diabolical and genocidal
mastermind, who pit celestial bodies against each other, just to get Kirby to
wake up a wish granting Death Star-like thing. So he destroyed the entire
balance of an entire solar system, just so he could wish to be some kind of
horrific demon. Dude is crazy.
If you passed on Canvas Curse because of the controls, you
missed out on the chance to lose a lot of sleep. First Drawcia is some kind of
enigmatic witch. Then you kill her. Then she’s something out of a disturbing
anime. You can see that this creature is what’s left of the witch’s sanity and consciousness,
and can feel it as well, thanks to the music that plays during the fight, which
I believe is the most anxiety-inducing soundtrack from any Kirby game. It’s so
disturbing. I love it.
#3 Dark Matter
Dark Matter is the start of Kirby’s long tradition of
fighting creatures with no business being in a Kirby game. It’s a massive orb
of darkness with a massive, piercing eye. It’s the contrast that makes it so awful.
The first game has a final boss that’s a grumpy and greedy king, the second
game has demonic sphere that will inevitably kill everyone, and you have no
idea what its motivations are.
This is Dark Matter’s boss. Nothing like fighting a boss
that turns out to be the boss of the previous game’s boss. It looks like a
giant eye, and once you defeat its eye actually pops out of its body, so they
were really trying to drive home the “creepy eyeballs” theme with this
creature. Oh, and it bleeds as the eye ruptures out of the body. This seems
about right for a kid’s game.
So if Drawcia Soul and Gigyas from Earthbound had a baby, it
would look like 02. This reincarnation or ghost of 0 is sad, tragic, horrific,
hateful, lonely, vengeful and in pain. It also attacks you by SHOOTING TEARS OF
BLOOD. As I said earlier, the ESRB is full of it. 02 is just all of the bad,
and is accompanied by the most somber theme song you’ll ever hear. As you face this boss
you know you have to kill it, but the soundtrack makes you almost feel its pain
as you finish off this pathetic monster, and that’s messed up.
Well, there you go. I’ve shared my thoughts on the bosses
that have made me stop and wonder how much damage I’ve done to myself by
playing these games. You’re welcome, I guess.
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