All For A Dollar

I think it happened last Sunday.  My aunt saw him, Elliot, by himself, on his way home from work.  He lived close to his job at the gas station, which meant he walked to work.  The fact that his car was repossessed also meant he walked to work.

You've never seen Elliot before, but if you had you'd never forget him.  I don't know if he's ever been able to walk through a doorway without ducking.  He's a tall guy.  It's takes him five minutes to tie his shoes, with four-and-a-half of those minutes spent bending over to reach them.

Okay, I'm getting off topic here.  Elliot was on his way home, walking down the sidewalk, and apparently he saw a dollar bill on the ground.  Well, my aunt said he reached down to grab it, and that's when it happened: there was a loud ripping sound, and Elliot just froze, half bent over.  The dude ripped his pants.

This of course was the point where my aunt starts recording the event on her phone, and all my speculation ends.  I've watched the video a few(twenty) times, and every time I finished the playback, I realize why Elliot hasn't left his house in four days.

Right now you might be thinking that ripping your pants isn't embarrassing enough to avoid human contact for days, and you'd be right, if that was where Elliot's humiliation ended.  But it wasn't.

After Elliot ripped his pants, his face turned red.  The kind of red reserved for only the most ridiculous of Looney Toons characters.  And Elliot, he doesn't handle embarrassment well.  His shame turns to rage in the same amount of time it takes for Gary Busey to say something crazy.

Once Elliot was stirred into a full rage, he quickly stood upright, let loose a string of admittedly creative profanities, and began to run for his house.  Actually, it was more like a super-detetmined power walk.   It's not easy to run when you're clenching your legs together to hide a rip in your pants.

He made a far as 4th Street before life decided it wasn't done with him.  He began to round a bend on the sidewalk when a truck drove past him and through a puddle at the same time.  You can figure out what happened.  The shame of it is that the puddle was not that large.  He only got sprayed up to his ankles.  But that was enough to send him over the edge.  God bless him, he makes Mel Gibson look mild-mannered.

Elliot screamed even more curses of unique and intriguing origins (Use your imagination for what he said.  I bet you can, you sicko), stomped the ground like a drunk square dancer, and kicked a nearby telephone pole with all his might.  It was the kicked that proved too much.

When he kicked the pole, he clearly hurt himself, which made him lose his balance.  He kept himself from falling, but by doing a weird split.  A split which tore his pants further, causing them to fall down around his ankles, which by obligation to universal law caused him to trip and fall.  When I watched the video for the first time, this was the point where I turned to my aunt and through my tears and laughter told her I loved her.

After he fell, Elliot actually just lied on the ground for a while, refusing to get up.  He did rise a few moments later, and showed the world his bright pink undies.  This was great because his underwear clearly was not originally pink.  It must been one of those "Got turned pink in the wash," deals.  That just made it better.

This was when Elliot first noticed that my aunt was following and filming him, due to her very vociferous laughter at the sight of his wardrobe malfunction.  Naturally he rushed her, screaming for her to give him the camera.  The day was still against Elliot though, because he still had his pants around his legs, and he once again tripped.  My aunt took this opportunity to make her escape, and that's when the video ended.

Also, after I finished watching this video for the first time, I immediately pulled out my phone.  I follow Elliot on twitter (A pitty follow), and felt I should send him some words of encouragement.  There's been no activity on his feed for days, by the way.  Anyways, I was feeling sympathetic, and sent him a message I thought might brighten his day:

"Don't b 2 mad, we all get caught with our pants done at one time or another.  Except most of the time it's not literally. #fail"                

Yeah, I'm on Elliot's list now, and I don't care.


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